Notes
by BuzzCat
Summary: Ok, so this is a collection of notes from Albus Dumbledore to Minerva 'Kick-Ass' McGonagall. I may at some point add in other people. Thanks to tartan-angel for this idea! Rated to be safe. Very very strong language in certain chapters.
1. Albus's Wardrobe

(A/N: OK, so this is my first fanfiction that I have published. Please let me know what you think. Just so we all are clear, _italics are _Minerva and plain text is Albus. So... enjoy!)

_You really are doing this just to kill me, aren't you?_

And what exactly am I doing and how can I do it better?

_Your wardrobe is what I am referring to, although there are many other things I could bring into this conversation._

And why is it exactly that my sense of fashion bothers you? Is it too drab? I did think the dark purple was a little dark and dreary for me too.

_The dark purple was the only sensible color you wore that day! How could it possibly have been too drab? I loved it._

You loved it? Really? Wait, what's wrong with the rest of my clothes?

"_What's wrong with the rest of his clothes?" he asks. *laughs at your ignorance*_

That was pretty mean you know.

_Oh, if only you were one of my students. I would show you exactly what "mean" is._

Why does that sound so incredibly dirty? Oh right, because it is. Shame shame shame!

_Oh, go smoke a Phoenix._

(A/N: So click on that little button! Also, I am thinking of making this a multichapter story. Let me know if I should! Also, thank you sooo much to tartan-angel for doing something similar to this. Please forgive me for copying your idea, but I thought it was absolutely brilliant to do this. I love your Memos!)


	2. The Slut Portrait

_So._

_What?_

_Don't you dare 'what' me old man._

Very well. May I inquire as to the nature of your 'so'?"

_Screw off. Smoke a phoenix. I KNOW!... Go organize your socks again. I think I saw one lying in your study._

REALLY?!?! *runs off to look for socks*

_Albus?_

_..._

_Are you there?_

_..._

_YES! He's gone!!_

You wish.

_Alas. It was too good to last._

It sucks to be you. But at least now you can go back to basking in the glory of my awesomeness!

_Or maybe you can go back to trying to get that fat ego of yours through the door._

How did you know about that?!?!

_I have my ways._

You had one of your portraits sleep with Phineaus, didn't you?

_It's not __**my **__fault that one hanging in your study is such a stupid slut._

Yeah. It totally didn't get that from the real life image of itself.

_Albus, my dear. Sarcasm really isn't suitable for you._

But I can dream, can I not?

_You mean dream as in the way you 'dreamt' about Headmistress Stringer?_

HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!?!

_Do you really have to ask that?_

Yep.

_Why do I bother?_

Because I'm your boss and you love me.

_Unfortunately the first part is true, but the second part is definitely a 'dream'."_

But, seeing as the first part is true, I am free to 'dream' all I want.

_One of the many perks to being me is that I can make that first part untrue. Just how old are you, exactly? Do you have any severe or fatal allergies I should know about?_

Why yes. I am deathly allergic to-- HEY... WAIT A MINUTE!

_*flutters eyelashes innocently* What?_

You are an evil scheming woman. And I just remembered last year's staff party.

_You're going to let a little thing like Veritaserum get in the way of our friendship?_

Yeah... maybe. Besides, I still can't look Madame Pomfrey in the eye.

_It's not my fault you are strongly attached to those earmuffs!_

Yeah, but... but...

_Am I to believe that there is a point at the end of this ellipse?_

Uh...

_I have to go. The Marauders have detention in 5 minutes. I need time to prepare._

Oh. I feel your pain.

_No, no you don't._


	3. Check the Common Room

(A/N: Let me know if you want any more. I refuse to continue if I don't get at least 2 more reviews. I'm sorry if that is really demanding, but they make me feel so good I feel like I will be going splat all over the room when I explode from pride. Please please please feed my ego. If you have time, please give me some suggestions, or tell me what you think I should change about any of them. Ok, I'm done now. Have fun!)

Erm... Minerva?

_Yes, freakish immature headmaster?_

Have you... well... have you been to the Gryffindor common room lately?

_No, I haven't. The Marauders have been strangely quiet for the past two days. It feels like I haven't been there in years. Why do you ask?_

Just... watch out. You erm... might want to... well... um... check the notice board. Just, don't tell them I told you.

_Now that my curiosity is peaked and I am quickly coming to hate you..._

I just wanted to let you know!

_Well... OH MY MERLIN'S SAGGY BALLS! I AM TURNING INTO _**_YOU_**_!! I USED ELLIPSES _**_TWICE!!_**

Is it safe to speak...?

_Shut it. I'm going. Now. You better not be pulling my tail._


	4. PhotoShopping is Wondrous

(A/N: I have 6 reviews on this story total. Come on now. We can do better than that, can't we? Sorry it took me forever to update. Damn computer got a virus. So… yeah. Cookies to you all!)

_Albus. That is not funny at all. You. Are. Dead. Now._

Dear Merlin, save me. SEVERUS!!

_Run wherever the hell you want. I will find you and I will kill you._

But it was the Marauders that I have to thank for their excellent artistic work.

_ALBUS! PhotoShopping my head onto a porn model and BLOWING IT UP FOR THE ENTIRE HOUSE TO SEE DOES NOT COUNT AS ARTISTIC WORK!!! IT COUNTS AS A FREAKING DEATH WISH!!_

Be that as it may, you still looked rather nice in that black lingerie.

_Married, Albus. I am married._

And I'm a flobberworm.

_You certainly have the intelligence of one._

Why thank y-- HEY!

_And that is why I run the school._

But I'm the Headmaster.

_Or so you like to think._

Point taken. I believe that there is a Muggle saying that can be modified to fit our situation: I have to listen to you, or you won't let me be Headmaster anymore.

_Damn straight, old man._

Yes, well, I also think that straightness ought to be damned--

_YOU PERVERTED ARSE!_

I'm surprised you didn't see that coming. You are the one who always apprehends the Marauder's notes.

_Speaking of the vile things, I caught a rather interesting one today._

Err... really?

_Yes. They seemed to think that I had approved a school-wide pranking contest. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you Albus?_

Absolutely not. I would never condone such a thing.

_And then when I asked why they thought such a thing, they pointed out to me a small notice on the House Bulletin Board, where both my and your names were on. The funny thing was your name looked legitimate. Mine looked a little strange. And it was signed in PURPLE INK._

Damn.

_Yep._

So... where exactly should I be running?

_No where in particular._

Minerva? Do you happen to know who is knocking on my door?

_I will ignore how perverted that sounds, and advise to you that if you value your life you will not open the door. I believe Sybil predicted a mad ax-man._

_SEVERUS!! SAVE ME!!_


	5. Betting

(A/N: Okay, it was recently brought to my attention that the timeline here is severely screwed up. Severus is indeed a Professor at Hogwarts, and yet simultaneously the Marauders are at Hogwarts as students. Please forgive my lapse in memory. I'm sorry, but this will remain as it is. If you can't deal with a little time-line warping, comfort yourself with the fact that I have now decided that he is named after his dad, and is Severus Snape Junior. So there. Also, I have been told that they both sound less eloquent than they actually are in the movie. Well, that was just a façade for the rest of the staff and students. This is when they let their hair down [not that Albus needs help with that], and can feel free to let out their suppressed feelings of being occasionally immature.)

Minerva?

_What?_

I need you opinion on something.

_What?_

I have a Ministry function tonight. I need your opinion on which robes I should go with. Bright yellow with greenish-brown socks vs. Fluorescent pink robes with lavender socks with silver roses across them.

_..._

I think I can hear your sigh of frustration across the castle.

_Wow. What a record. I'm coming over right now. Remind me to bring sunglasses this time. That other time, the migraine didn't go away for hours. I couldn't even survive when I had to go shout at Severus._

Ahh... Did you have fun shouting?

_Yes I did. Thanks for asking._

What'd you fight about?

_Whether or not you would ask me what we were fighting about. YES!! He owes me 5 Galleons._

Now now. Betting isn't a healthy pastime.

_You're one to talk. What about that little bet you had with Ludo?_

That was completely different.

_Yeah. Right. I'm coming to help with your dressing dilemma now. See you soon._


	6. Liquor on the Floor

(A/N: Ok, I got bored during Math, and this came to mind. The song is one that apparently my grandpa used to sing. RIP, buddy!)

Oh...

_Dear God no. NOT AGAIN!!_

Damn straight again. The liquor was spilt on the bar room and the joint was closed for the night. When out of a hole came a little brown mouse and sat in the pale moonlight.

_I am now burning this paper in 3... 2... 1... NOW!_

Heeee lapped up the liquor on the barroom floor, and on his haunches he sat. And all night long you could hear him yell, "Bring on the goll-darn cat!"

...

Minerva?

...

I'm done now.

...

Are you there?

...

I'm going to go kill old Umbitch!

_I'M THERE!_


	7. Jesus Christ on a Pretzel Stix!

Minerva?

_She's not here right now._

Oh. Who's this?

_An unnamed source._

Oh.

_Can I help you?_

No. I just wanted to pester Minerva.

_Well, in that case…_

…

_MWAHAHAHAHAHA!_

Jesus Christ on pretzel stix!

…

Huh?

…

Hello?

…

Well, then I'll just be going to stab my Cornelius Fudge voodoo doll…

_WAIT FOR ME!_

Kidding.

_Screw you._

No thank you.

_ALBUS!_

You called?

_Was there something you wanted to know?_

Who was talking to me earlier?

_Oh. That was me._

Why?

_I myself don't know why I talk to you. Another one of life's greatest mysteries._

No, why didn't you want me to know it was you?

_Cause I wasn't in the mood to screw with you._

Well, I can wait until you are in the mood…

_I'm married._

Damn.


	8. Asterisk Wars

Poke.

_What?_

Poke.

_Piss off._

Poke.

_Do you have a death wish?_

Poke.

_What do you do during sex?_

*pokes*

_*stabs*_

*gasps*

_*evil laugh*_

*kicks shins*

_*heel to crotch*_

*admits defeat*

_Well, now that we have once again come to the conclusion that I run Hogwarts…_

*suicide*

_Melodramatic much?_

*haunts you for all eternity*

_You know what? Screw you Dumbles. *burns paper*_


	9. Lemon Drops of Goodliness

Minerva?

_Hmm?_

What would happen if you Animagused into a cat, and I threw a ball of catnip at you?

_Well, I imagine I would castrate you with a wooden spoon._

Well SOMEONE forgot to take her Midol this morning…

_Shut it you old bumblebee. Actually, according to the laws of gravity you aren't supposed to able to fly. Now I get why._

Hey! Watch who you're calling absolutely gravity-defying amazing!

_You seem especially buzzed today. How much candy have you had?_

SQUIRREL! Sorry, I saw a squ—SHINY OBJECTS!!! MINEMINEMINE!!! ALL MINE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!...

_Dear Gott in Himmel, he's finally gone mad. Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name… SAVE ME!_

Huh? What are you praying to? Are you finally worshipping the God of Lemon Drops? Did he reply to you? Did he give you the Lemon Drop of Goodliness? GIVE ME THE LEMON DROP OF GOODLINESS! I WANT IT!

_I rest my case._

What case is this? Is this the almighty Case of Cockroach Clusters? GIVE ME THE COCKROACH CLUSTERS!

_Oi vey._


	10. Minerva's Tears

(A/N: I just watched a rather depressing movie, and really wanted to write. I feel like I want to stick a needle into my heart and pull out whatever black substance is currently killing my happiness and just barely bearable existence. Also, people said that they thought Albus and Minerva were out of character. I thought that maybe I might get my fluff addiction under better control by writing something really angsty. Don't worry, I'll try to update with more fluff as soon as this is on. *watery smile*

_Albus?_

Yes?

_Help me._

Minerva? Are you okay? Why is this paper covered with tears?

_Why do you think, dumbass?_

What happened?

_Nigel and I had a fight._

Oh. Do you want me to come over?

_No, it's okay. Besides, I really don't need to get you covered in tears._

Do you want to talk about it?

_Sure. It was about… well… *sobs*_

Sh… It's okay. *pats your back*

_*sniffles* Thanks. We fought about how close you and I are._

He thought you and I were having an affair?

_Yes. He didn't believe me. That's why I'm at Hogwarts at 3 in the morning._

Oh. Do you want me to come over there?

_No. I'm fine._

You do realize that 'fine' stands for 'Freaked-out Insecure Neurotic and Emotional'?

_*smiles* Thanks. I'm going to go to bed. Maybe this will be better tomorrow._

Do you want me to teach for you tomorrow?

_No. The last thing I need is Poppy or some other staff member checking into this._

Okay. I love you like a friend.

_I love you too._


	11. Albus Finds Pizza

(A/N: This chapter has nothing to do with the previous one. I do not intend to write anymore there. Feel free to take any sliver of plot I have there. I know that sounds really conceited that I think other's want my unoriginal plot, but whatever. So… yeah. I'm running out of ideas for stories/chapters. Drop me a line if you have any ideas you are willing to let me use. Also, drop me a line if you want to use any of these slivers of plot lines. I'm really curious how people are going to take this. Also, I just realized that I don't have a beta. I have myself on here as one, but I want fresh eyes on this before I post it. Anyone willing? Love you all!)

MINERVA!

_Yes?_

I have just made the most wondrous discovery!

_And what is this?_

PIZZA!!!!

_What is pizza?_

Ee-gasp!!!!

…

I do believe that I can still here your sigh of exasperation.

_Good to know. So, what's pizza?_

A delightful Muggle food covered in grease, cheese, and other unhealthy stuff!

_Dear God in Heaven, help us._

Yusss…

_Anything else you want to add to this?_

Yep. I just got pizza sauce all over the goat costume I got from Aberforth.

_Thank God. You finally did something good for the world._

Yeah!

Oi.


	12. Urgh

_Urgh…_

Urgh…

_Remind me why I let you take me out to get totally smashed?_

Urgh…

_Must… find… Poppy… Need… hangover… potion…_

Urgh…

…

…

_And how are you on this fine fine day?_

Urgh…

_Poppy just ran out of Hangover Potion._

Urgh…

_Sucks for you. Now go and vent your pissy-ness on Cornelius._

Urgh…

_Hm. It's like talking to a goat. Or a log. Or Aberforth._

Urgh…


	13. Victoria's Secret

Minerva?

_What?_

I have a personal question for you.

_In that case, go away._

Personal on my part.

…

Minerva?

…

What are you doing?

…

Huh.

_*sigh* What's you question? I was bracing myself for the horror I'm about to face._

How do you make chest hair grow?

…

Minerva?

_Sorry. I do believe I just passed out from laughing._

Why?

_Of all the disgusting questions you could've asked, you ask that?_

Uh… yeah.

_I thought everyone knew this._

Well, apparently I'm different from everyone.

_Obviously. To grow chest hair… *drumroll*_

Yes… YES?

_You must eat…_

Lemon Drops? Ginger Newts? Cockroach Clusters? WHAT?!

_BURNT TOAST!_

Ee-gasp!

_Yup._

Then I shall go without.

_Wow. How you managed to go this long without a single hair is and always be a mystery. Or, you could just look at Victoria's Secret ads._

What's Victoria's Secret?

_Um… I have to go._

What is it?

_Um… go ask one of the students. Preferably a Muggle-born._

**10 MINUTES LATER…**

Ew…

_What?_

Victoria's Secret.

_I tried to protect your childhood innocence._

Ew…

_Hey. Not my fault._

Damn my curiosity. But at least it can't kill me.

_Why not?_

CAUSE CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT!

_Not funny._

…

…

MINERVA!

_What? *flutters eyelashes*_

Ew…

_What happened?_

Victoria's Secret. All. Over. My. Walls.

_And why are you telling me this?_

CAUSE MY CHEST IS COVERED IN HAIR!

_Ew…_


	14. Minerva's Desk

_What are you doing?_

Thinking.

_God help us._

I'll have a word with Him.

_*head to desk*_

Ouch. That must've hurt.

_I'm used to it._

Um… okay.

_Considering how often you make me hit my head against my desk in the best interest of my sanity, I would be used to it._

Sorry.

_Don't worry. The Marauders also played their part in putting a dent in my desk._

What year are they in now?

_Second._

ONLY SECOND?!

_Yes. Excuse me. *head to desk*_

Wow. You really need help. REALLY.

_You have no idea._


	15. Enter: Severus

_(A/N: This probably is the dirtiest chapter I will ever write. Honestly. The rating truly applies for this chapter. My mind is a scary place. Once again, watch out. You have been warned. R&R!)_

Minerva?

_Huh?_

I'm bored.

_And how is that my problem?_

Entertain me.

_I'm sorry, my pole dancing is a little out of practice._

Oh. What about just stripping?

_I haven't done that in ages. Wait, are we actually having this conversation?_

It would seem so.

_Huh. That's really creepy._

Yeah.

_So… I'm gonna go now._

Ok.

…

…

…

…

_God, I'm bored out of my mind._

Join the club.

_Should we go get Hagrid wasted?_

Naw. I think Rosmerta is still cleaning up from the last time we did that.

_Oh. Want to go piss Severus off?_

**Well that's a healthy way to pass the time.**

_Severus?_

Severus?

**Yes, it is me.**

_What are you doing here?_

**I'm bored shitless.**

So, you're sitting on the toilet while messaging us?

**Uh… maybe?**

_Ew… Have you washed your hands lately?_

**Uh… no not really.**

_*sterilizes hands*_

What she did.

**So, now that I have washed my hands, what happened when Hagrid got wasted?**

_Um… you really don't want to know._

Even I don't know.

_Be happy you don't. I was there and was puking for the next week whenever I thought of it._

**WHAT HAPPENED??**

_You're gonna regret asking…_

Just tell me.

_Your funeral. He ejaculated all over._

**EW…**

EW…

_I told you. *pukes into trash can*_

*pukes into trash can*

***pukes into toilet***

(All) _**EW…**_

Note to self: LISTEN TO MINERVA!

_Bought time you cottoned on._

**I'm going to go permanently curse someone now.**

_Why?_

I just ruined a perfectly good bottle of Felix Felicious by puking into it.

_Ew…_

Ew…

**You have no idea. It looks like liquefied shit now.**

_*pukes into same trash can*_

*pukes on Fawkes*

(All) _**POOR FAWKES!**_

Oh. He officially hates me now.

_What clued you in?_

He just shit all over my bed.

**So now you and Minerva have to go to her rooms now?**

_Pervert._

**YOU DON'T DENY IT?!**

_Well… *rubs back of neck*_

Minerva and I play quite a bit of chess late at night. I always come out with the upper hand…

**EW… BAD IMAGES! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! *bangs head against wall***

_Albus, I think we just killed him._

Probably.

**You do realize I just got the best blackmail material ever, right?**

_YOU WOULDN'T DARE!_

He would.

**Nice to know someone has faith in me.**

_What do you want?_

**You do realize how much you sound like a slut right now, right?**

_Shut it._

She's MY slut. Back off.

_Albus, if you want to live, shut up._

Technically, you should be asking me to stop writing. I'm not making any noise.

**And of course Minerva would know if you made noise.**

_Shut it. Your innuendos suck._

**And you would know.**

Minerva! I thought you were my slut!

_I am. Man-whore over there is just being a perverted asshole._

Oh. Okay.

**So now are you going to have apology-sex?**

My rooms. Be there in 10 minutes.

_Albus!_

**FOR FREE?!**

_Albus, if you respond I will castrate you with a wooden spoon._

**Or you could just use your teeth.**

_Severus…_

**Oo. A growler.**

_I'm leaving now._

**For Albus's rooms?**

…

…

**Albus, is she there?**

_Mhm… Albus._

**EW! EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *burns eyes and cuts off ears***

_Sucker._

**That's what she said.**


	16. The Illegal Author's Note

THE ILLEGAL AUTHOR'S NOTE

_Alright people. I am starting to get fairly irritated. I've had only __**16 **__different people review. 16. That is not at all satisfactory. If I do not get at least 2 more people reviewing, I am not updating for at least a week. The week would probably stretch to a month. Perhaps a year. When I say no more updating, I mean that I am shutting this whole shit down. No more stories anywhere. Not until I get 2 more regular reviewers. Regular reviewers constitutes of reviewing at least 3 of my stories. I have 9. Please please review for both my sake and you sake. Sorry I'm bitching, but this really is pissing me off. To those of you who have reviewed, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Now, to the thanks for my reviewers:_

1. FlamingToads- You are officially amazing. I appreciate your reviews so much, as well as your amazing writing prowess. Thank you for being one of the few people who reads my stories, and talks to me. I'm sorry about this ultimatum, but I have to do something.

2. 00cats10- Thank you for messaging me. I love your reviews. I'm once again sorry about this, but something must be done.

3. eternal vampire- Ah… where do I begin? All of your reviews are written with such flattering prowess and care that they make me want to fly with my creepy wings of happiness. Ignoring the corny and crappy wanna-be poetry, thank you so much for reviewing. Though they are few and far between, I still treasure them more than is sane.

4. psycho-pink-faerie- Thank you for your review. I am so happy to know that I can make someone giggle.

5. Missglitterystars- Thank you for your reviews. I love to know that someone as crazy as you still appreciates my writing. Still, you'd have to be crazy to like it.

6. minerva's-kitten- I appreciate your mention of how OOC MM and AD are. It's nice to know that people can still give constructive criticism. The 'constructive' part is something that can rarely be applied to criticism.

7. Greenlover2- Thank you so much for filling me in on how my timeline is so screwed up. I honestly never noticed it. I'm just used to Sevvy being on the staff. Thanks for pointing out just how immature my two favorite professors sound. I'm sorry, but I think I'm going to leave them as their immature/slightly-drunk selves. DON'T KILL ME!

8. Pennypotter128- He sure as hell better not pull her tail! Minerva being pissed at Albus *shudders* That's quite a scary thought.

9. SylvaDragon- I absolutely would love to give you a huggle *huggles many times* I love your stories. They are so funny! Thanks for reviewing. Back before I had an account, you and tartan-angel were my two idol authors. To all others out there: They were the two that I read most often. I know would physically die if I had to come up with a favorite author.

10. RebeccaRoy- Thanx for your review. Nice to know more than 5 people like my writing.

11. TuuPii- Thanx for your input! Nice to know people like it. OO! Look, a snipe! *runs of to chase imaginary creature.

AND NOW ON TO THOSE WHO ARE READING JADE WINTERS! IF YOU AREN'T A HUDDY FAN, DON'T BOTHER READING THIS. TO THOSE WHO READ JADE WINTERS:

_Come on people. I have more reviews in my Notes story than I do here, and that one is almost half as long as this story! The same thing I said in the beginning goes here as well. Pulling the plug. I will still write. It won't be on here until I get more regular reviewers. If you hate Harry Potter, kiss this story good-bye. To the reviewers:_

12. Othgirl- Thank you so much for reviewing. I like to think that people like this story, considering I wrote almost a year ago and haven't even read it myself in almost 6 months.

13. Stephanie89- Thanx for informing me as to Lisa's eye color. I'm sorry, but I'm keeping it as brown. Stop reading if you want to. I'm sorry for being a stubborn ass, but I'm lazy, and trying to write new stuff. Besides, if you just ignore that, I think the story's okay.

14. Bethypage97- Thanx for the review. Even if consisted of one word. Still, one is better than none.

15. Lin12344- Thanx for spending your valuable time reviewing. I like knowing that this story is worth reviewing more than once.

16. Lenasti16- Thanx. For. The. Single. Word. Review. One. Word. For. You: thanks.


	17. 3 Days Shit

_(A/N: Wow. Really freaking wow. I said I was gonna pull the plug and I got more reviews than I thought I would ever get in a year. Wow. And I'm soo sorry for being a bitch. Thank you very much to stephanie89 for giving me the kick in the ass that I really needed. She pointed out to me that insulting the people who actually do read my stories is not the best way to get reviews. Thank you for being pretty much the only person willing to tell me to shut my trap and not be such bitch [paraphrasing here. Not her exact words, but I got the drift.] Thank you to everyone who reviewed. I don't know if I would have made through the week if I couldn't post anything. God, my friends would slap me silly if they could hear me right now. ANYWAY, I'm sorry being a total and complete bitch. Please please forgive me and don't have me drawn and quartered. I like being in one piece. I know this story is really shitty, but I promise I will update more. I wrote almost three stories in school. Oh, and I got a request from greenlover2 that should be up ASAP once I finish it. Sorry about the long Author's Note. Love to you all!)_

Minnnerrrrrvaaa…

_Oh shit. You're wasted, aren't you?_

Maybee…

…

HI! WHATSUPWITHYOU? I'MGREATANDHOPEYOU'RETHEREORIMIGHTGOINSANE!

_Merlin's saggy balls, what are you on?_

IDUNNO! *bounces in chair*

…

Dude, I took the biggest shit just the other day! I mean, it smelled like ½ digested sulfur. And then Fawkes flew in and –BAM!- he was back to his creepy little chick self. Yeah, it was bad-ass. LEMON DROPS!

_Shit._

Yeah! It was nasty. And then the best part was—IT WOULDN'T GO DOWN!

_*pukes into wine*_

Yucky… But the shit's still in there. Merlin, I think it's been there for 3 days…

_Uh… yuck._

I think the fumes are getting to me…

_Merlin save us if it's anything like the time you snorted Pixi stix or whatever those things were called._

Yeah…

_*Apparates to Hogsmeade*_

*stalks you to Hogsmeade*

_WHAT THE HELL?_

I dunno.


	18. Scarper

Scarper.

_Okaay…_

It's my new favorite word.

_And I am being informed of this why?_

Because then when I use it in the near future, you will know what it means.

_You haven't told me what it means, dumb-ass._

Oh. It means to run away.

_You do realize I already knew that, right?_

Oh.

_So why do you have reason to scarper in the near future?_

Um… what if I _accidentally _poured some catfood in your breakfast this morning?

_You didn't._

I might have.

_Scarpering is definitely in your best interest._

I concur. SCARPER! RUN OR FACE THE WRATH OF THE ICE QUEEN!

_Mwahahahahahaha…_


	19. Enter: Marauders

(A/N: _**this format is the Marauders**_. Just so we're all clear on this.)

_Albus, you'll never guess what I got today._

Was it a ball of catnip?

_Ha ha, asshole._

Thank you. Was it an order of Merlin Award?

_From the Ministry we have now, I would kill myself before I accepted anything like that._

Fair enough. I know! You got a lifetime's supply of lemon drops you're about to give to me.

_Nope. Has anyone ever told you you have a very narrow perspective on the good things in life?_

No, they haven't. What'd you get?

_I got a…_

What?

_Certificate of Awesomeness!_

Oh.

'_Oh'? What kinda response is that?_

Um…

_Shit. What'd you do?_

Um… I gonna start running now.

_JUST TELL ME!_

I gave it to the Marauders.

_You didn't._

I did.

_THE MARAUDERS? Of all people, you gave it to the Marauders. Oh sweet Merlin._

Um… should I keep running?

_It wouldn't be your worst idea. What did they do to it?_

Er…

_Tell. Me. Now._

Do I have to?

_If you want to keep your testicles where they are you will._

They could do with a bit of readjusting.

…

What?

_I can't believe you just said that._

What? It's true.

_EW! Ewewewewewewewewewewewewewewew. *fingers in ears; head to desk*_

I'm not sure what they did to it, actually.

_**We charmed it so we can see whatever you're doing! Right now, it's hanging in Minnie's classroom and she's banging her head on her desk shouting "WHY?"**_

_No. It can't be._

I think it might be.

(Minnie and Dumbles) THE DEMON CHILDREN!

_**Personally, we prefer 'Troublemaking Erumpents of Awesomeness' or just 'Marauders', but 'Demon Children' works too.**_

_*head to desk*_

(Dumbles and T.E.A.) **Ouch.**

Don't do that Minnie.

_The next person that calls me Minnie gets their ass(es) kicked into last millennium._

(Dumbles and T.E.A.) **MINNIE!**

_AARGH!_

_**...**_

…

_**You guys still there?**_

Here.

…

Minnie, come back.

_I'm coming old man. Kiss your beard and candy good-bye._

NOOO…

_**We need to do this more often.**_

_..._

…

_**Uh-oh. Where's Minnie?**_

_Children?_

_**That is us. Yes?**_

_Run. Now. By the way, I will be filling in for Professor Dumbledore as his is currently… ahem 'indisposed'._

_**First: EW! Second: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!**_


	20. Enter: Aberforth

_(A/N: God, I'm sooooooooo sorry that I haven't updated in forever. I thought I already had this and another one posted since I had them written, but then apparently I forgot in the hustle and bustle of school getting out. Yes, even teachers can love the end of the year. God, I'm sorry. I will be writing as much as I possibly can. Please don't lynch/behead/poison/stab/draw and quarter/kill me in any other way. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'M SORRY! Feel free to verbally beat the shit out of me in reviews and/or PMs. I love you all and please don't hate me.)_

You know, Minerva, I think the Marauders actually believe you killed me.

_I know, right? They've been giving me the weirdest looks all day._

Same here.

_God that was the best ever. Did you honestly know they were in on all of that shit?_

Actually, no.

_Huh. Still, that was bad-ass amazing._

Yup…

_*content sigh*_

Now what?

_Hm…_

Minerva?

_Yeah?_

Do you have 9 lives? Since, you know, the whole cat thing…

_No, I don't believe that I have 9 lives._

Hm… Can we find out?

_NO!_

Why not?

…

Oh right, mustn't hurt Aberforth Jr. in there.

_WHAT?_

Um… I take it you aren't pregnant with my nephew or niece?

_NO!_

Oh. My mistake. I'll just be going…now…

_Why in the name of Merlin's saggy balls would you think I was pregnant?_

That's a rhetorical question, right?

_Answer. The. Damn. Question._

Um… you've been really pissed lately and Aberforth said you might be.

_ABERFORTH!_

**You called?**

_You heard that?_

**The majority of Hogsmeade heard that my dear.**

_Damn. WHY DO YOU THINK I'M PREGNANT?_

**You aren't?**

_NO!_

I'll just be going now.

**TAKE ME WITH YOU!**

_STAY PUT ASSHOLE!_

(Albus and Aberforth) **Me? Him?**

_BOTH! ABERFORTH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THOUGHT I WAS PREGNANT! YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED I WAS BITCHY ENOUGH TO BE PREGNANT? OH HO, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BITCHY IS IF THAT CLASSIFIES IN YOUR BOOK AS A ROYAL BITCH! PLUS, IF I WAS PREGNANT, I'D BE FAT! ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT? WELL? ARE YOU?_

**No ma'am.**

_ALBUS?_

**No ma'am. Sorry ma'am.**

_Bastards. Aberforth, despite the fact we've been married 27 years, you're so small I'm still technically a virgin._

OUCH!

**Minerva, you know that's not nice.**

_Suck it up and deal with it jackass._

(Albus and Aberforth) **THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!**

_AARGH!_

…

…

…

**She's certainly pissy enough to pass for pregnant.**

Yeah. I feel kinda bad for you. Is what she said true?

**Which part?**

'You're so small'…

**NO! We don't have kids because she's too small to let me in.**

_SHUT IT YOU LYING BASTARDS! BOTH OF YOU! DETENTION WITH FILCH FOR THE REST OF ALL ETERNITY!_

But ma…

_Shut it jackass._

**You know I think you're sexy when you're mad.**

_If you like being able to say you have any penis at all, you will shut your face and go bang some picture from Playwizard._

**Ouch. That one actually kind hurt.**

(Albus and Minerva) _THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!_

_(A/N: I'm not a big Aberforth/Minerva fan, but my brain is currently at a loss for any names, so I just used what I had. He seemed to work better than Flitwick. Besides, Sprout would totally knife my sorry ass if I even dared to pair him with Minerva. R&R! Lots of love to you all.)_


	21. Fallen Chandelier: Part I

_(A/N: Hey people! I'm sorry that I haven't updated in forever. I've had my first serious case of writers block since I got this account. That's almost a month. So, I have hopes of getting this less and less often, preferably down to once or twice a year. I hope you have a good summer!)_

Minerva?

_Mhm?_

Is there something you were going to inform me of?

_No, nothing comes to mind. Why?_

You never informed me of what happened in your fifth year.

_And what was that? Besides, you were a teacher there. How is it I did anything you didn't know about?_

You're just that good. You never told me…

_In the name of Merlin's saggy left ball, what?_

The year I was gone, you 'accidentally' knocked a chandelier down.

_Wha… Oh. Yeah, about that…_

Yes.

_Didn't anyone ever tell you about that?_

No. I didn't know until it cropped up in conversation with Phineaus.

_That rat bastard portrait in your office? How did he hear about that?_

Phineaus would like to convey his indignation at being referred to as a 'rat bastard'.

_Tell him that I do not lie. I merely speak the truth._

He is most offended.

_Suck it up and deal with it, jackass._

…

…

Minerva? Where did Phineaus go?

_He is currently residing in his portrait in my office._

Oh. That's not good, is it?

_No, no it isn't._

What's he doing?

_Cursing at me. What's that one tongue-tying thing again?_

I seem to have forgotten.

_You really should try to remember it. Especially if you don't want to be castrated with a wooden spoon._

You like that phrase, don't you?

_I have been using it a bit. Very well. Remember that spell or I will have to castrate you with stolen dentures._

Yucky…

_Damn straight. Now tell me._

I honestly don't know.

_Accio Dentures!_

You must keep me informed on the fallen chandelier. I must know if that's true. But I'll start running now. AARGH!

_(A/N: Want to know about the chandelier? Review. I love you all and apologize for not updating sooner. I wasn't sure how I wanted to go about this chappie. On the upside, I've been working on a whole bunch of new fanfictions. Some angst, some fluff. Fluff should be up soon. Cookies, cake, and coffee to you all!)_


	22. Fallen Chandelier: Part II

_(A/N: Hey! I'm sorry I haven't updated in forever. 'Forever' being about 2 or 3 days. I've been writing new stuff, and typing up old stuff. I'll be working on posting more stuff soon. Only about 1/3 of the fanfiction I've written has been posted. I'm working on that, I promise. I would like to apologize for having many of this sound childish and immature. Please forgive me for getting like that. I'm trying to work on it, really I am. Anyhow, cheesecake and chocolate to you all! [It was my half-birthday a few days ago, and I wanted to give you all my cheesecake and chocolate] And by the way, I decided to do some changing. Aberforth and Minerva are no longer married. She is married to OC named Nigel. Sorry to all Aberforth/Minerva shippers, but it was just too weird when I realized that made Minerva and Albus brother/sister-in-law. Scary…)_

Now Minerva…

_Huh?_

About that chandelier incident? I asked Phineaus, and he informed me that I am to ask you.

_Oh. Damn him._

Yeah… I think we've established that.

_Xiomara, Poppy, Pomona and I were all bored that year. Like, so bored we considered watching paint dry. Or worse: Studying. So, we decided to try loosening the chandelier, and charming it so that after someone walked under it, it would fall after they had passed. We went to our classes, and everything was good. Later, we found that Binns had walked under it. Then he had turned around. It smashed his head. And that is why he is now a ghost._

Wow. Ouch.

_Yeah… Still, it does kind of improve the attention paid in his classes. I mean, now the students actually look up when he enters the classroom._

Yet again… ouch.

_Yup. How did you not find out about that until now?_

Um… I actually don't know?

_Hm… it might have something to do with Mara threatening to hex anyone who spoke a word about it. Thank God we aren't speaking about it._

Yeah. Still, why do I have the feeling that she is about to intrude upon this conversation?

_Uh oh. Shit…_

…

…

…

…

I think we're good.

_One would hope so._

**God I can't take it any more. Hey y'all :D**

_Is nothing private anymore?_

It would appear not.

**Damn straight bitches! *punker rock hand symbol; sticks tongue out***

_Dear God in Heaven! She's gone completely round the bend._

**And since when was this a new occurrence?**

She does have a point Minnie.

_DON'T CALL ME MINNIE!_

**But why? Nigel does.**

_And what on Earth would ever give you that impression?_

**I can hear you shouting at him over the Floo network.**

_This castle has that thin of walls?_

I don't think it does. I can't hear you.

**Albus, you're always gone. You don't have anything to contribute to this conversation. Shut up.**

Mara, what makes you think you can talk to me like that?

**Because Minerva does.**

_And what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?_

**Huh?**

_Muggle saying._

Oh. The certainly have a lot of those, don't they?

**I think they do.**

_Yeah. Damn, I have to go. My cubs are still partying._

Where do they find the energy? It's almost 5 in the morning.

**I dunno. Maybe they found a way to intravenously take tequila?**

_More importantly, why are we still up?_

Fair point. 'Night.

**Night. I'm off to shag my dear hubby.**

_Okay. Tell Severus I say hi._

**Night.**


	23. I'm Bored

Minerva?

_Hm?_

I'm bored.

_And you are telling this me why?_

Because I need your help.

_Why?_

Fudge is here.

_Oh. I feel your pain._

Can't you come and tell me we have an urgent staff meeting? Please?

_Albus, you and I both know that he'll just come and get you later._

Yes, but then we can put off.

_That is commonly referred to as procrastination, and often comes back to bite you in the butt._

Yes, but if I run faster than it…

…

I can hear your sigh at the Ministry!

_Good to know._

Can you save me?

_I could. But will I?_

I'll teach your classes for an entire day.

_DEAL!_


	24. I'm Tired

*yawn*

_Tired…_

Must…get…chocolate…

_Need. Coffee._

Damn. The house elves are sleeping.

_Seriously?_

Ya.

_Someone hates us. Very very much._

Voldemort has infiltrated the castle?

_He's controlling the elves?_

Ya.

_*yawn*_

So… gonna go get my brother.

_Does he have coffee?_

Better. Firewhiskey.

_It is mine. If you take it, I will have to kill you._

Sheesh. Me-ow.

_No. You didn't._

Didn't what?

_Just say that._

Oh. I think I did.

_I'll get Aberforth to poison you. He must have some grudge._

Too tired to care.

_Damn._

Coming to Abe's?

_Yeah. I'll be there in a second. Must… find… tequila…shots…_


	25. Long Time No Read

_(A/N: Sorry about the long delays. I've been working on some other one-shots, and also posting some stuff under MiniBuzzy, an account I share with my friend Miriflowers. Go read her stuff. And read IWannaDream-Forever's stuff. Both are good people, and good writers. Lots of happiness to you all!)_

Minerva?

_What? I'm in the middle of class._

Oh. Okay then.

_*sighs* What?_

I just miss talking to you.

_All of 4 minutes ago we were talking in the staff room._

But I miss your handwriting.

_You poor thing._

Minerva?

_Yes?_

I love you.

_Damn it Albus. I'm freaking married._

Who are you married to?

_What's that supposed to mean?_

Erm… so how's the class behaving?

_Don't change the subject._

Well, you said that Nigel was giving you Hell about hanging out with me.

_So?_

But I'm pretty sure you are married to Aberforth.

_Oi. Aberforth is a good friend of my husband's. Nigel is my husband._

Okay.

_Am I that much of a slut?_

…

…

…

_I sincerely hope you are not hiding under my desk again._

I might not be…

_Do you really want me to humiliate you in class?_

I'm the one who would be humiliated?

…

It's not nice to growl. You're scaring the students.

_Shut your mouth._

No thank you.

…

Me thinks that the Marauders would like to point out your hair is out of its bun. And may I say you look particularly spagniforous today.

_What?_

Splendiforous.

_Shut up, lest I rip the beard from your chin._

NOT THE BEARD!

_You running screaming from my classroom is rather amusing. I do believe you have just made my day._

Happy to be of assistance. I'll just be hiding someplace.

_You better not be in my room again._

Damn.


End file.
